_______________but there is a New Age-y resistance to the literal
_______________way that has been used by those who say, as cause
_______________and effect, "you create your own reality". I never
_______________quite know how to respond inside, like I see that it
_______________is likely true and real, and yet it is not true that
_______________thinking directly manifests, and so I come down to
_______________thinking, well, maybe it is "always" true, but in
_______________God's time and in God's way these things are manifest,
_______________and compassion is grounded in pain, and desire is
_______________grounded in fear and maybe what we are really
_______________changing is the ground, not the outcome….

The timing, as always, was perfect. For the past week or so I was going in and out of considering,, in an undefined way, the difference between ground and outcome–without even having a clear image of what I was pondering. The missive from my friend helped me to frame my thoughts. For the past few weeks I have been in a place of bemusement sometimes mixed with sadness, frustration and/or surprise in response to the endless capacity I see, in myself and others, to stay stuck in emotions that are painful and sap our strength.

We stay stuck in endless cycles of thinking the same thoughts about our lives. Seeing the world and other people's actions and motivations in ways that confirm our view of who and how we are, and how others are–in relation to us. We seem to look at many aspects of our life circumstances as chance occurrences beyond our control or desire. And, when we allow ourselves to admit it, feel helpless and sad about people we love who aren't living life as we think they "should". We seem to be capable of bringing sadness upon ourselves without too much effort. Simply through the way in which we view the world around us.

We have all had the experience of believing people we care about were making what we consider to be poor choices and being able to "let go" of our [usually unacknowledged] need to steer them in the right direction or control how they were making their decisions. Trying to direct the world to conform to our wishes requires tremendous energy. We need to be hyper-vigilant–watching all the time to prevent those we love, or care about, from mistakes we see (assume) they will be making.

Sometimes the letting go has more to do with how we are perceiving the world. Most of us go about assuming everyone else sees the world the same way we do. If I see something as bad, so does everyone else. If I think what Mr. So-and-so did was wrong, then you also will see it as wrong. If I think turkey subs are great then there is something wrong with you if you don't. If you don't want sex when I want sex there is something wrong with you. You are withholding, or being mean, or bitchy, or you are cold. If I like the beach, you should like the beach. If I think it is important to always say what is on my mind and you have trouble doing that there is something wrong with you. You are a wimp, or weak, or don't know your own mind, or are stupid.

In all of these examples I am walking around believing, albiet unconsciously, that you are reacting to the world the same way I am, or at least you "should' be. When you don't, that means there is something wrong with you. This is truly a mostly unconscious approach. If you were to bring this to my attention my response would naturally be—"no, of course I don’t believe you should think the way I do." Yet without consciousness brought to this process, I act that way and think that way until I become aware of the process and that belief system is examined. Bringing an unconscious belief into consciousness allow us to be compassionate. And bringing an unconscious belief into consciousness is many times painful because it means seeing ourselves in a way we weren’t seeing ourselves before. Our Ego gets wounded and that hurts. Thus my friend’s comment that compassion is grounded in pain. We truly become capable of feeling compassion for others only after we have felt some of our own pain.

Compassion is indeed grounded in pain. We are able to feel compassion for another when we contact the struggles we have been through, or are afraid we might have before us, when we dip into our own pain or sadness we connect with the sadness of others. One of the greatest obstacles to compassion is our shadow–those traits and characteristics we deny, reject, or have undeveloped in ourselves. When we see those in others our tendency is to judge them. Owning and accepting our shadow traits and characteristics allows us to be compassionate when we experience these same traits in others. When I can accept my own anger I no longer have to judge my wife's anger. When I can accept my own need for other people in my life I can accept and be compassionate of my wife's need for friends. Without this acceptance of my own needs, I sit in critical judgement of her needs. And I judge that which I am also afraid of–either of finding it residing somewhere in me… or, when it resides in you, leading you away from me.

Freeing myself from psychological pain seems to come back again and again to letting go. Letting go of expectations, letting go of the need to control, letting go of being the stage director for other people's lives and actions, and letting go of the outcomes of my own actions. The last one is a tough one. It involves placing my energy in "the effort" and letting go of "the outcome". Focusing on effort, or action, enable me to be fully present to what I am engaged in without regard to worrying about outcome. It involves focusing on doing the best I can. In relationship it means being loving without strings attached.

Back to "should," a word that is closely tied to my unconscious way of attempting to control others. Should is a powerful word that is often misused. Notice what happens inside when you use or hear the word "should." Should and ought imply a moral imperative. If I don't do what I should do I am a bad person. If you don't do what you should do you are a bad person. I have been aware of the power of that word for over 30 years, ever since my Gestalt training days in New York. I still catch myself at times on the verge of saying it, or bringing it back in soon after it leaves my mouth. I find it to be a hard word to let go of. The cultural conditioning has indeed been strong. Sound to far out? I invite you to notice what happens in your gut when someone says to you– "you should".

The other day I noticed myself letting go of a thought and heard myself say Ahhh. I realized that sound is often associated with letting go. I then remembered something I heard on a tape I was listening to a few years ago^[1] . The speaker was saying that even though religions throughout the world have different names for God–all of these names, no matter what culture or religion they derive from contain a common sound resonance. All names for God contain the sound "ah." The sound Ah (even if the letters ah are absent) is in Jehovah, Buddha, Mohammed, Jesus Christ, etc. Ah is also the sound of release. Think about when you use that sound. Possibly when you are being massaged and are letting go of tightness in your muscles. Or when you drink a delicious beverage and let go some tension you were carrying. Possibly when you are making love and you are letting go of self and joining with another. Those are some of the times when you let go. Twelve step groups talk of letting go and letting God do it. What they mean is letting go of the need to control and letting God do it.

Gradually, would the wise one,

Bit by bit, moment by moment

Blow out the stain that is one's own,

Like a smith the stain of silver.^[2]

Like a goldsmith, bit by bit, forging out the impurities and making gold we blow out (let go) of what creates our pain–bit by bit.

What changes–ground or outcome? In my own experience, when I change the ground of where my thoughts and feelings are planted–within myself, the outcome changes too.

^[1] Research reported by Wayne Dwyer on tape series

^[2] The Dhammapada. XVIII. 239

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