Turning Disappointment Into Celebration Richard I Jontry, Ph.D.,
MAC, CAC Diplomate |
I once overheard one rider telling another “the only thing I don't like about competing is that I wind up feeling disappointed so much of the time.” Undoubtedly, disappointment is felt by many riders when they fail to place in the show ring; when something happens to the horse they've been training and it can't compete for the rest of the season; and for a variety of other reasons. Disappointment is an inevitable reaction to having an image of achieving something, and then not achieving it, or believing you have been denied access to it—thinking you rode really well and the judges gave you a low score. Feeling disappointed in these situations is probably a natural human reaction. However, how you react to the “feeling” of disappointment, and how long you stay disappointed has a lot to do with your own unique history in dealing with not getting what you are visualizing, or not getting what you are expecting to get. How did you react to the times your teachers didn't give you the grade you thought you deserved? Do you remember feeling disappointed at Christmas, or on your birthday when you were a child because you didn't get the present you thought you'd get? How you reacted to disappointment then, may well have set the stage for how you react now. High functioning adults know they do not have to stay stuck in the “automatic” emotional responses left over from childhood. High functioning adults know they can re-program themselves to react however they would like to react to most situations. Additionally, most top athletes know that their mistakes are their best teachers. They know that if they get stuck in feeling disappointed because they made a mistake, they'll make the same mistake over again. If they stay stuck in feeling disappointment because they received a low score, scoring low again has a high probability. Reframe your reaction to mistakes and low scores so that instead of saying “I did terribly,” or “I'll never get a high score,” or something equally negative, teach yourself to ask “what can I learn from this? What lesson am I supposed to be learning from this?” Then take what you come up with and CELEBRATE your learning. In that way you can transform disappointment into an unprecedented opportunity. Let's take a look at dealing with fellow boarders/riders/friends who are winning and accomplishing their goals, while you're not—another place where disappointment may easily arise. All feeling disappointed achieves here is make us feel bad and slowly erode the relationship(s) by slowly turning into envy or jealousy. Meredith Young-Sowers of the Stillpoint Institute [1] once told me of an old Hindu prayer done with the first four bites of food taken at any meal. Bite three is what is of interest here. I've taken the liberty of moving them into first and second place. On taking your first bite of food you say— “I commit to feel joy at the success in others.” On taking the second bite you say— “I will stay forever committed to effort and not outcome.” Meredith went on to say that feeling joy in the success of others is a very difficult thing for most humans to do. However, when we teach ourselves to react this way, what we'll find is that we will also benefit, many times in unforeseen ways, from the success of others. Additionally, by focusing on my effort, and not the outcome I am encouraging myself to do the very best I can—without being attached to how that comes out. Also very hard to do, and also full of hidden rewards when achieved. Jealousy and envy are as old as our human species. That doesn't mean you have to go there. I invite you to consider Celebrating others' successes and celebrating your efforts. Let go of the rest. Finally I'd like to look at coping with dashed hopes when your horse is injured or sick in the midst of your show season. Certainly this is not an occasion to celebrate. However, I'd like to tell you another very old story here. This one is about the little poor boy who always wanted a pony. One day a wealthy man in town asked him to clean out a shed. He told the little boy he could keep anything he found. The little boy went into the shed and very soon he started whistling. People were wondering what he was doing in the shed because he was in there for many hours, whistling all the time. When someone went to look they found the boy dwarfed by a huge pile of horse manure which filled the entire shed. When asked why he was whistling under such terrible conditions, the little boy replied—“with so much manure here there's got to be a pony around somewhere.” What may seem like an undesirable situation may indeed turn out completely differently. However, if we are not prepared to welcome the opportunity that may be lying in wait, we'll probably not even see it when it shows up. Riders know the importance of keeping their bodies in balance and staying energetically in tune with their animals. We are composed of energy. Our food gives us energy. The air we breathe gives us energy. Our thoughts and feelings can either give us energy, deplete our energy, or block our energy. Disappointment blocks our energy to receive and to be open to let in new things. As long as we are holding on, we can't accept what will be offered next. We enable a free exchange of energy by letting go of what we've been holding onto. I invite you to let go of disappointment as soon as you can, so you'll be ready to accept and embrace whatever is offered next. Who knows, there might really be a new pony buried under all that stuff. |
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