Its A Family Affair |
When we first met and fell in love with our partner chances are we saw them as the person in our dreams and consciously and unconsciously placed great expectations upon them. Chances are, that for awhile at least, our partner met and happily fulfilled these expectations. We felt complete, totally in love, and totally blind to the reality of who our partner really was. Gradually or suddenly, time and reality proceeded to erode the image of our idealized mate whom we had placed upon a pedestal, and the real person began to emerge. Our conscious and unconscious expectations were met less and less often; we may even have begun to wonder who is this person? Where is the person I married? To separate the human from the imagined, and to love our partners for who they truly are can be viewed as truly spiritual work. Carl Jung, the Swiss psychologist, claimed that the love relationship can be the channel and the container of psychological and spiritual transformation. Indeed, a student of his, Marie-Louise van Franz, stated that love with its passion and pain becomes the urge toward wholeness which is why there is no real process of growth without the experience of love... for love tortures and purifies the soul. Real love becomes seeing and caring for who the person we are with really is. As human beings we cannot be gods or goddesses to each other. Though initially we may have appeared so, we are not as interesting, caring, perfect, or beautiful. The disappointment this realization brings can simmer inside and manifest itself as an unwillingness to face and deal with the ordinariness and daily requirements of life and family. This disappointment can drive people into multiple relationships, substance abuse, compulsive shopping, eating disorders, or any number of other ways we have in our society to distract ourselves from facing the realities of marriage and family life. When a relationship reaches this unavoidable point the joy that once was in being together can be replaced by some, all, or any combination of the following emotions: drudgery, stress, hurt, disappointment, boredom, anger, or sadness. The remedy requires honest conscious work involving looking at and evaluating our expectations and learning how to love the person we have chosen for who they really are. This can be hard work. It is also soul work. It is spiritual work. In the process we learn about our needs and we learn we are the only ones responsible for filling these needs. Our partners can help. They can in many ways be our guides and our teachers. This is true because if we do this work honestly, which is the only way we can do it, we begin to realize that most, if not all of our anger and our upsets about our partner has to do with unfulfilled areas in ourselves we are expecting them to fill. Children often arrive and this process can either get set aside and we begin to focus our love and our energies onto them, or the arrival of a child can exacerbate the process. Either way, sooner or later, our children eventually become causalities in the struggles we are having with ourselves and our mates. A family is a living organism. Anything affecting any one member of the family will affect all other members. This occurs whether we are aware of it or not. A hanging mobile is an image that had been used to demonstrate this principle. Each piece of the mobile is either directly or indirectly connected to each other piece. If you were to pull any one piece of the mobile all the other pieces would be affected and have to move also. Children’s behavioral or emotional upsets always occur within the context of the family. Sometimes the child’s (or teenager’s) emotions or behaviors appear to be the direct result of outside influences. Their method of dealing with these emotions or behaviors; their ability to resolve the feelings or the situation, will be greatly affected but what is going on in the family. Their internal resources - what we have inside ourselves that enable ourselves to creatively deal with the world - are very much a product of how we perceive ourselves to be valued, worthwhile, good enough, capable, etc. within our families. When we give each other messages that wound self worth, we weaken each other’s abilities to creatively and resourcefully interact with the world. And we can give these messages very directly by criticizing or blaming, or subtly and indirectly, but unintentionally doing too much for someone and not allowing them the opportunity to develop their own skills. Most of us do the very best we know how to do at any one point in time. Every parent wants the best for their children. On the other hand, no one I know of has had a perfect parent themselves. Our parents, whether we like it or not, were our role models in being a parent. Unless we consciously pursue other directions, we will suddenly find ourselves doing certain things, reacting in certain ways, exactly as our parents did. We are an evolving species. Technologically we are capable of feats and achievements only dreamt of as little as fifty years ago. Emotionally and psychologically we have not leaped quite as far. We have not brought the same conscious determination to our psyche’s, spouses, or children as we have to our computers and our automobiles. Change requires conscious intention and follow through. I invite you to sit down with your partner this evening and share your old dreams, co - create some new ones, bring consciousness to your goals and support each other in achieving them. Bring your children into the process when you are comfortable in doing so. I challenge you to create the love relationship with your partner you have always dreamed of, and the family life with your children you had allowed yourself to imagine when they were small. |