Negotiating Intimacy |
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Our intimate relationships offer us the potential for powerful spiritual and emotional support where we can feel safe and allow ourselves to truly be who we are. Unfortunately, intimacy also breeds misunderstanding, which may cause us to hide our true selves from our partners rather than feel safe and free to honestly express ourselves. As a practicing psychotherapist, I have worked with hundreds of couples over the years. I’ve found that it is our inborn need to protect ourselves that most often weakens or destroys the safety and trust in our relationships. What I’m referring to is our unconscious use of defense mechanisms. We all have them, we all use them (often many times a day!), and by definition, most of the time we all are unaware of doing so. Defense mechanisms are a normal reaction to a perceived threat to our self-esteem, to our sense of who we are, or to our ego. Because we are unaware of reacting out of self-protection, we consciously believe what we say, think, or feel when using a defense mechanism with our partners. Let’s take a closer look at denial, probably the most often-used defense mechanism. When one partner feels undervalued in a relationship, she may complain to her husband, "You don't pay attention to me." "You're always busy." "I'm the last thing on your list." "You never think of me." "You are always thinking about yourself." "I'm not important to you." "You don't care how I feel." Her husband may then plead, "I really do love you and think about you," in essence denying his wife’s feelings or telling her she is wrong to feel that way. He is not willing yet to accept the possibility that there’s a thread of truth to his wife’s accusations because it is important to his self-image to believe that he is a good husband and that his actions arise out of love. Common Defense Mechanisms We all have a favorite two or three that we use more often than others. Can you recognize yours?
To repeat, we use defense mechanism unconsciously. However, that doesn't mean we have to remain unaware of using them. Once we can accept their existence and the "possibility" that we use them, we can begin to catch ourselves in the act and right the process. "Oops, there I go again rationalizing, intellectualizing, blaming…. " Identifying our defense mechanisms is a wonderful exercise for self-growth, but I didn’t say it would be easy. It can leave us feeling vulnerable to criticism or attack. After all, our defense mechanisms came into existence many years ago when our self-image and ego were just beginning to develop. We felt it necessary at that time to defend ourselves because we didn't have enough strength or self-esteem to protect our fragile under-developed ego. Over time, the defense mechanisms took root and began to grow strong. And, like most unconscious processes, began to take on lives of their own. Now, as adults, we need to remind ourselves that we are grown up and can take better care of ourselves. We don't need to "automatically" protect ourselves from threats to our self-esteem. We can begin to take full responsibility for our thoughts and actions without blaming, minimizing, or rationalizing. In fact, engaging in this kind of reality check with ourselves and with loved ones often results in increased awareness, and the subsequent reduction in our use of defense mechanisms. It not only increases our self-esteem, but the honesty and intimacy of our relationships. Sharing ourselves as undefended as possible with others is a rare and extremely intimate act. I invite you to consider the positive possibilities. One final note: Identifying the defense mechanisms your partner uses can be interesting. However, it’s important to consider that you are the last person from whom he or she needs to hear this information. Instead, share this article, and let go of the rest. Recognizing how we defend ourselves from possible truths is our own inner work. |