There
once was a man and a woman who met each other after each
had been in
numerous less than ideal relationships. When they met,
they found themselves
strangely drawn to each other. They each felt a sense of
familiarity, as if they
had known each other before. Each thought to themselves
they finally they had
found the right person. They were sexually attracted from
the very beginning
and couldn't seem to get enough of each other. They each
looked forward, with
mounting anticipation, to the next time they would be
together again.
There were differences between
them, to be sure. He like to watch sports on
TV and spend time with his friends riding motorcycles,
eating burgers and drinking
beer1. She thought he was too attached to his job and
he thought she spent an awful
lot of time talking to her friends. She liked to go to
women's circle, study Feng Shui
and Yoga, and carefully watched her vegetarian diet. They
smiled to themselves about
these differences and chalked them up to girl stuff or
guy stuff and did not think
much of them.
They weren't seeing each other very
long, about six weeks, before they started talking
about getting married. And once they started talking
about it they couldn't wait. He loved
the sex and figured if he said yes to marriage he would
have daily access to her garden of
delights. He just knew that once they were married he
would be spending less time with his
friends and would get involved in fixing up the house
they were going to buy and other
domestic activities.
They began to plan their wedding. The
planning process became more stressful than either
of them had anticipated. They even had a few
disagreements during the process but didn't pay
much attention to it. They both secretly thought the
other at fault but didn't push the issue.
He realized she saw the wedding as a bigger event than he
did and began to let her make
the choices as he took more and more of a back seat to
the planning process.
You know the rest of the story. They
had a wonderful wedding, went on their honeymoon,
came home and began their married life together and soon
realized that everything changed.
Couples rarely pay attention to how
their relationship is fairing until they get in trouble.
I have found that people believe relationships
“should” run by themselves. Too many
times I have heard clients express the opinion that...
“If we have to work at making the
marriage work there must be something wrong with the
relationship. Thus, they avoid
doing what the relationship requires in order to thrive.
They start blaming each other,
and finding fault. They start to avoid together time,
first unconsciously and then intentionally.
They start complaining to their friends
about how their partner changed. They say things
like “She isn't the person I married.” And
“He is not the person I thought he was.” Those
thoughts become beliefs, which become “the
reason” the relationship is starting to become
unsatisfying. Of course partners change. And so do
relationships. The spark in a relationship
begins to die, as any fire begins to die, unless fresh
fuel is placed upon it. The fuel to keep the
fire burning in a relationship is communication,
intimacy, respect, trust, laughter, and love.
The spark starts to sputter after the
initial passion begins to wear off, and we find we have
to
return our attention to the rest of our lives. We have to
attend to work, possibly other family
members, friends, etc. The things and people we pushed to
the side when the relationship was
new begin demanding our attention again. So, of course,
now that we are attending to these
extra-relationship things and people we are putting less
time into the relationship. And unless
we consciously bring attention to intimacy [used here as
closeness that develops through being
undefended—being vulnerable together] we will
experience it less often—and the flame begins
to sputter.
A car requires care and maintenance in
order to run well and still perform reliably and
dependably as it ages. Most things with moving parts
require some degree of maintenance
and TLC in order to work well after the break-in period.
A marriage is made up of moving
parts also. You, I, and we—the third entity that
emerges from our decision to blend our
lives—are the parts that comprise a marriage. Each
component of the marriage requires
daily maintenance in order to stay healthy.
Most experts agree that in order to
stay healthy each of us needs to eat healthful foods to
obtain proper nutrition, exercise, engage in some form of
spiritual activity, communicate
clearly what our needs are, stimulate our minds, and give
and receive love. Similarly, we
need to feed our relationship, our marriage, our we-ness
daily doses of life sustaining nutrition.
What nourishes a relationship is daily time together
spent in intimate exchange. The time
together doesn't have to be measured in hours either. Nor
does intimate necessarily imply
sexual exchange—though that is more likely to occur
when intimacy on other levels is
practiced routinely.
All species communicate in order to
warn of danger, initiate mating activity, and to express
pain, anger and pleasure. Humans have the unique ability
to also express thoughts and states
of consciousness. Relationships thrive when feelings and
thoughts are openly expressed. In
relationships men traditionally withhold or deny their
unpleasant feelings, their feelings of
weakness or insecurity, and also their feeling of
tenderness and sensitivity—wrongly
believing that if their partner knew how they felt they
would think them less of a man.
The opposite is usually true. Most
women I have counseled or met in training groups
would be delighted to hear their man talk of these
things. These women also would like
to hear their man's dissatisfaction, if any, with them or
with the relationship. Women have
learned that if a man doesn't speak it, he acts it out,
either passively or aggressively. They
would much rather hear the words, spoken without blame,
lovingly and respectfully.
Sharing our pain, our insecurities,
weaknesses, and our tenderness is a form of deep
intimacy.
For in intimate moments we allow ourselves to be
vulnerable. Communicating our vulnerabilities
with our partners is truly an intimate act. The partner's
responsibility is obviously to treat the
vulnerable partner thoughtfully and lovingly. Offering
criticism, judgments or moral
pronouncements at the time vulnerable thoughts or
feelings are expressed is a sure-fire
way to turn off the tap of your partner's expression of
these intimacies for a very long
time. No “why didn't you,” “why don't
you,” or “you should's” at this time,
please!
Intimacy is also deepened, with self
and with other, when we begin to realize that the traits,
characteristics, and behaviors of our partner that bother
us most are usually our very own
shadow characteristics—those parts of ourselves that
we don't see in ourselves but readily
see in others. Unconsciously seeing and reacting to
“un-owned” parts of ourselves in others
is called projection. Projecting negative characteristics
is termed “shadow projection3.”
Owning our shadow projections is a life long process and
our partners usually provide an
excellent projection screen. When we begin to bring
consciousness to this process and take
back our projections, criticism of the other will be
drastically reduced, if not eliminated.
Share the joy, too! When something
happens during the day that's funny,
make a quick phone call and share the laughter with your
partner. If you are
driving and notice something you know would interest him
or her, let them know.
Once you decide to widen your world in this way you begin
to see with your
partner's eyes as well as your own. You will
automatically begin to notice and
hear things that provide a stack of information to talk
about. Most couples who
have been together for several years begin to run out of
things to say to each
other. Make it a point to look for interesting things to
talk about. It may feel
awkward in the beginning, but once you start, it becomes
second nature.
I invite you to experiment. Spend some time seeing the
world through your beloved's eyes.
Find reasons to call each other, even
for a 10-word exchange.
Surprise each other with little gifts, or greeting cards.
Give a foot massage,
or a back massage. Do housework together. Cook for each
other and cook
a meal together. Wash her clothes. Wash his car. Buy
tickets to an event you
know your partner will like. That can be extra special
when it is also an event
that you don't particularly care for and your partner
knows that. Stretch your
boundaries. Color outside the lines. Have fun. Agree with
each other that the
relationship, the “we”, requires special
attention and TLC.
Care for the relationship as if it were
a separate entity. It really is.
It is something that the two of you have created, and
have the
unprecedented opportunity of shaping into whatever form
you choose.
The choice is yours, and so are the rewards.
Footnotes
[1]
The author is aware that at times he is generalizing and
gender stereotyping. This was done to add some humor and
make several points.
I apologize in advance to anyone who might take offense
at these editorial liberties.
2Shadow projection was addressed more fully in
other articles.. See
Our
partners Are Our Teachers,
Negotiating
Intimacy, and Letting Go of
Control.
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